You can continue with the actual Introduction without reading this and not miss anything! This is written as an aside to the Intro, almost like an old newspaper add “PTSD seeking Serenity”.

My family and I live in a travel trailer and camp all across the United States year-round – but this really isn’t where our story begins.

My name is Steven and I have the most supportive wife on the planet.  I am a retired Marine.  There are a lot of starting points on this journey, but I think the best place to begin is 30 April 2014, over 8 years ago as I write this.  You see, that was the day I retired from the Marine Corps after 20 years of Service. 

I feel compelled to document this journey, not only for all of those contemplating truly “unplugging”, but for those of my brothers and sisters who have left military service and feel lost.

The day I retired I had no idea what I was going to do next.  I talked brave and threw around plans and ideas – but honestly, I did not know what to do.  I spent the last 14 years of my career in combat related jobs and in Intelligence. 

I consciously let my classified clearance lapse so I could close that door.  I was tired of being involved in life and death decisions that affected people (ours and theirs). There had already been lucrative job offers in the Intelligence field extended to me. I knew if I did not do something to cut that out I would take one. 

I mean, why not? That’s the American dream. Keep getting better paying jobs, buy larger houses, move into more and more expensive neighborhoods, etc… I did not know this at the time, but that was one of the best impulsive decisions I ever made.

Searching for a way

I spent about 6 months in a managerial position with a terrible janitorial company because they were the first to bite on my resume.  I left them due to poor management, illegal hiring practices and host of other reasons. This left me once again without direction and depressed.

My wife looked at me one day and said “What is it you want to do? You’ve given your adult life to your country, what do you want to do for you?” I replied, almost instantly, “I want to drive semi’s”. She said, “then go drive semi’s”. 

I used my GI Bill to get my Commercial Driver’s License.  Upon completing CDL school, I was hired by one of the premier flatbed companies in the US into their Glass Division, hauling architectural glass – think 40,000 pounds of huge sheets of glass on a flatbed trailer.

I drove for about a year – out driving across the country, coast to coast and Canada for 3 to 5 weeks at a time. Nothing but my thoughts and the open road for the majority of the time.  I spent a lot of time just remembering my time in the Corps.

I was initially replaying time spent with friends and family. Eventually I starting getting into the meat of the subject.  See, I didn’t know it at the time, but I suffer from PTSD (more on that later). 

I started working through some of my feelings and thoughts of things I had been part of, events that were unmentionable in polite society and retraining my brain to accept that my life was not like that anymore.  I seemed to be getting to a place in my head where I thought things were feeling normal. 

Keep me in mind, at this point I was still out on the road. I was away from everyone and only interacting with people maybe 3 or 4 times a week and then only 1 or 2 people at a time.

A Constant Drive for more

I requested to be a Road Instructor for the Company I drove for.  I thought this may fill some of the void I felt and make me connected to something bigger than me.  My Company selected me and Iwas trained for it.  Then every month or so I would get a brand new driver in the truck with me and I would spend 3 to 5 weeks teaching him how to be successful on the road.  I did this for about a year.

At this point, my loving wife had finally had enough raising 6 children on her own. She asked me to find something where I could spend more time at home.  I contacted my Company and asked to get a route that had me at home more often, and it turned out there was an opening for a desk job, home nightly.  I took it.  This meant moving.  So, approximately 3 years after retiring, we were moving again.

We ended up in a sleepy town in southern North Carolina.  I loved the job, enjoyed working with my peers and was home like clockwork and off weekends.  We had a beautiful house, went camping on weekends, went to the beach in the summer – experienced ‘normal’ life. 

After 2 years I became agitated.  Angry. Frustrated. Mad at everything.  I did not feel like I fit in anywhere.  I felt like I could do more for my Company. Then I tried to fill my time with projects. Projects filled my down time.

I built a multi-tiered deck with a built-in fire pit with copper and stone surround in the backyard. Then I built an extensive at home office for my wife. (she worked from home, but this was before that was ‘normal’).  I went to the VA and they told me there were some things we needed to look into – well, that was not what I was wanting to hear.

Still on the search, PTSD seeking Serenity

I asked my Company if there was anything I could do with more impact.  They gave me a great opportunity teaching at the main Training Facility.  I was going there to teach basic rules, regulations and help new drivers acclimate to the culture of the Company.  Of course, this meant moving again.  2 years after moving to North Carolina.

We ended up in Central Arkansas.  Another beautiful house, excellent school district, and a job I loved and excelled at. I quickly progressed from teaching the one class to being capable of teaching almost every subject we taught there. 

I mastered flatbed securement, glass securement, boat securement. Then I became involved in the majority of the new initiatives as they arose; coordinated with new customers, various regulatory bodies. I eventually found myself managing the entire educational aspect of the program.

In the middle of all of this, COVID struck, and life was complicated. Neither my family nor I caught it, but it did slow down everything in the US.  It gave us time at work to refine some processes and create new ones.

I started doubting every decision I had made during this “downtime” and began feeling like every decision was life or death. I started having nightmares nightly regarding my time in the Corps.  This is when I was finally diagnosed with PTSD.  This was difficult to process and I took a couple of months of FMLA and thought I had it under control.  This was not accurate.

I was able to continue at work for a little over another year and then it started getting bad again.  I needed to do more and started to take on more projects and fill the void and needed something to do.  It was difficult to not believe that it was time to move again.

I started making mistakes again and felt like nothing I did was going to be good enough.  My wife and I had recently bought a travel trailer. Camping has been a passion for us for years. We’d finally gotten “seasoned” enough that sleeping on the ground was no longer a viable option.

A New Solution

My wife (who handles all of our finances, to me they’re a hairy mess that I just can not get my brain wrapped around, which is another indicator of my impairment when you realize what I did for the Corps and how complicated that was), took a look at the bills and let me know that I was really only working for the upkeep of the house. 

Our mortgage, power, water, insurance, etc…was the majority of what my paycheck went to.  My retirement and disability were enough to sustain our lifestyle if the house wasn’t in the picture.

We went camping that weekend at Petit Jean National Park and had a magnificent time. We truly considered that this could be our life.  My wife and I looked at the money one more time, and I went in to work and put in my two-week notice. 

Please understand, dear readers – this is not another indication of me running from something.  I am finally embracing something.  This was the part that I could not understand and what was causing me so many difficulties.

PTSD seeking Serenity

I feel like I do not truly belong in American society anymore and do not understand the desire to ‘fit in’.  There is a problem that I can not get over. I am unable to adjust to not being able to give instructions and walk away. The ability to know that it was getting done correctly every single time, or that everyone would just do whatever was necessary to complete the job.  So rather than try to compete with two warring impulses I am removing one of them.

Now, I just take care of my family, we travel a lot and I do not feel like I am tied to one location for any period of time and we get to see and learn things all over the country. 

The camping community feels like the Corps in that we make friends at campgrounds when we want to and can remain reclusive if we do not want to mingle.  If we see those friends again, weeks, months, years later we can pick right up where we left off.

This has all been about me and my work history and struggle to fit in, because it drove us to where we are.  Finally happy and content.  Finally feeling like we are doing what feels natural.  If you took the time to read this, thank you.  If you know a Vet that is struggling, let him or her know they are not alone.  My path is not the only path, it’s just the path that worked for me.

Now get out here and go read the post about my great family and all of the fun we’re having!